The following are classic active listening techniques and examples of their use:
ENCOURAGING To convey interest and encourage the other person to keep talking Don't agree or disagree;
Use neutral words;
Use varying voice intonations "Can you tell me more..."
“That’s interesting….”
“Yes….”
CLARIFYING To help you clarify what is said
To get more information Ask questions;
Restate interpretation
Invite speaker to explain further “You’re saying ...?
”In other words….
“Then the idea is….
“Would you say more about that?
”What does that look like?
RESTATING To show you are listening & understanding what
is being said;
To check your meaning & interpretation Restate basic ideas, facts "In other words..."
"So you’d like to know more about …?"
"Let me see if I understand. You’re saying..."
REFLECTING
(verbal) To show that you understand how the other person feels Reflect the speaker's basic feelings “So this is something to avoid or do more of?”
“You feel strongly about this.
SUMMARIZING To review progress;
To pull important ideas, facts, & feelings together;
To establish as basis for further discussion Restate major ideas expressed including feelings "These seem to be the key points..."
”I hear you saying...
”Let me make sure I understand, you ...
VALIDATING To acknowledge the worthiness of the other person Acknowledge the value of their issues & feelings;
Show appreciation for their efforts & actions "Thanks. I appreciate your willingness to…..
"You’re feeling…?
“How comfortable are you with this?
BUILDING To help build & continue the discussion;
To offer other opinions Ask questions;
Offer ideas or suggestions "Have you considered…
“Another approach is….
“What else comes to mind
REFLECTING
(nonverbal) To convey the speaker's nonverbal message
To clarify the message of the nonverbal message Verbalize the speaker's body language &/or facial expression "I've noticed when you talk about…, you smile. That makes me think….
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Active Listening 3
Communicating that you are listening:
a. Non-verbal attending: eye contact
body language
use of silence
verbal attending: minimal encouragers
b. The art of questions
Open questions: how? what? could? would?
Closed questions: is? are? do? did?
Why questions: sometimes open, sometimes closed
c. Focus--be aware that the conversation may take on a variety
of focuses:
speaker focus topic focus
other(s) focus listener focus
d. Reflections:
reinforce and support the speaker
clarify the meaning of communications
reflect factual content
reflect feeling content
under-reflected vs. distorted reflections
leave reflections tentative
e. Summary:
recapitulation for easier remembering, better
understanding, showing relationship of main points:
beginning discussion (remembering where we left
off) summarizing in mid-discussion, drawing
together main points, ending a discussion, a sense
of what happened
a. Non-verbal attending: eye contact
body language
use of silence
verbal attending: minimal encouragers
b. The art of questions
Open questions: how? what? could? would?
Closed questions: is? are? do? did?
Why questions: sometimes open, sometimes closed
c. Focus--be aware that the conversation may take on a variety
of focuses:
speaker focus topic focus
other(s) focus listener focus
d. Reflections:
reinforce and support the speaker
clarify the meaning of communications
reflect factual content
reflect feeling content
under-reflected vs. distorted reflections
leave reflections tentative
e. Summary:
recapitulation for easier remembering, better
understanding, showing relationship of main points:
beginning discussion (remembering where we left
off) summarizing in mid-discussion, drawing
together main points, ending a discussion, a sense
of what happened
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Active Listening 2
Further, Professor Marisue Pickering identifies ten discrete skills for empathetic
listening:
Table 1. Skills Associated with Empathy
SKILLS EXPLANATION
1. Attending, acknowledging 1. Providing verbal or non-
verbal awareness of the
other, ie, eye contact
2. Restating, paraphrasing 2. Responding to person's
basic verbal message
3. Reflecting 3. Reflecting feelings,
experiences, or content
that has been heard or
perceived through cues
4. Interpreting 4. Offering a tentative
interpretation about the
other's feelings, desires,
or meanings
5. Summarizing, synthesizing 5. Bringing together in some
way feelings and
experiences; providing
a focus
6. Probing 6. Questioning in a supportive
way that requests more
information or that
attempts to clear up
confusions
7. Giving feedback 7. Sharing perceptions of the
other's ideas or feelings;
disclosing relevant
personal information
8. Supporting 8. Showing warmth and caring in
one's own individual way
9. Checking perceptions 9. Finding out if interpre-
tations and perceptions
are valid and accurate
10. Being quiet 10. Giving the other time to
think as well as to talk
listening:
Table 1. Skills Associated with Empathy
SKILLS EXPLANATION
1. Attending, acknowledging 1. Providing verbal or non-
verbal awareness of the
other, ie, eye contact
2. Restating, paraphrasing 2. Responding to person's
basic verbal message
3. Reflecting 3. Reflecting feelings,
experiences, or content
that has been heard or
perceived through cues
4. Interpreting 4. Offering a tentative
interpretation about the
other's feelings, desires,
or meanings
5. Summarizing, synthesizing 5. Bringing together in some
way feelings and
experiences; providing
a focus
6. Probing 6. Questioning in a supportive
way that requests more
information or that
attempts to clear up
confusions
7. Giving feedback 7. Sharing perceptions of the
other's ideas or feelings;
disclosing relevant
personal information
8. Supporting 8. Showing warmth and caring in
one's own individual way
9. Checking perceptions 9. Finding out if interpre-
tations and perceptions
are valid and accurate
10. Being quiet 10. Giving the other time to
think as well as to talk
Monday, February 22, 2010
Active Listening 1
Think back to those few friends, mentors, counselors, or
family members who have had the biggest impact on you. How would
you characterize the communication between you? Was it helpful,
meaningful, telepathic, or inspirational?
In one-to-one relationships with someone who knows us well, we
are often in such complete synchronization that communication flows
between us almost without words. Or so we feel. If this is the
case, is it because we excel at expressing ourselves, or because we
are masters of listening? Naturally, both are important, but, to
turn a phrase, talk is cheap and listening is rare.
Chances are that those who influence us most are powerful lis-
teners. Whether instinctively or through practice, they have
developed the skill of empathy.
A University of Maine researcher, Dr. Marisue Pickering, iden-
tifies four characteristics of empathetic listeners:
l. Desire to be other-directed, rather than to project one's own
feelings and ideas onto the other.
2. Desire to be non-defensive, rather than to protect the self.
When the self is being protected, it is difficult to focus on
another person.
3. Desire to imagine the roles, perspectives, or experiences of the
other, rather than assuming they are the same as one's own.
4. Desire to listen as a receiver, not as a critic, and desire to
understand the other person rather than to achieve either agreement
from or change in that person.
family members who have had the biggest impact on you. How would
you characterize the communication between you? Was it helpful,
meaningful, telepathic, or inspirational?
In one-to-one relationships with someone who knows us well, we
are often in such complete synchronization that communication flows
between us almost without words. Or so we feel. If this is the
case, is it because we excel at expressing ourselves, or because we
are masters of listening? Naturally, both are important, but, to
turn a phrase, talk is cheap and listening is rare.
Chances are that those who influence us most are powerful lis-
teners. Whether instinctively or through practice, they have
developed the skill of empathy.
A University of Maine researcher, Dr. Marisue Pickering, iden-
tifies four characteristics of empathetic listeners:
l. Desire to be other-directed, rather than to project one's own
feelings and ideas onto the other.
2. Desire to be non-defensive, rather than to protect the self.
When the self is being protected, it is difficult to focus on
another person.
3. Desire to imagine the roles, perspectives, or experiences of the
other, rather than assuming they are the same as one's own.
4. Desire to listen as a receiver, not as a critic, and desire to
understand the other person rather than to achieve either agreement
from or change in that person.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Quotes
"Stillness is the act of not doing in an attempt to expand the awareness of being." Iyanla Vanzant
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? ”But if I am only for myself, what am I? "And if not now, when?" Hillel
My goal is not to renounce the physical world but to eliminate its control over me and to become the true captain of my own fate. - Kabala
The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers. – James Baldwin
The answers we seek are seeking us, even if we don’t know the questions. – Jesse Jennings
“The kind of operation that is necessary to help us out of our dualistic thinking is a nondual experience. Then we begin to see things as one again.” –Haridas Chaudhuri
“Awakening is not a single event in time; it is a river endlessly flowing in this moment now.” – Arjuna Ardagh
"What’s in greatest demand today isn’t analysis, but synthesis—seeing the big picture and combining disparate pieces into an arresting new whole." – Daniel H. Pink
“While transformation results in changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the actual process of transformation does not involve changing these things directly but instead requires a change in perspective—altering one’s core assumptions about the nature of things.” – Marilyn Schlitz-Mandala, PhD
“The eye by which I see God is the same as the eye by which God sees me. My eye and God’s eye are one and the same—one in seeing, one in knowing, and one in loving.” – Meister Eckhart
“Learning emerges from discovery, not directives; reflection, not rules; possibilities, not prescriptions; diversity, not dogma; creativity and curiosity, not conformity and certainty; and meaning, not mandates.” – Stephanie Pace Marshall, PhD
“Directed faith is not a vague, hazy, wishful yearning. It is a powerful belief of expectancy that causes the universe to send us wonderful things.” – Edwene Gaines
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? ”But if I am only for myself, what am I? "And if not now, when?" Hillel
My goal is not to renounce the physical world but to eliminate its control over me and to become the true captain of my own fate. - Kabala
The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers. – James Baldwin
The answers we seek are seeking us, even if we don’t know the questions. – Jesse Jennings
“The kind of operation that is necessary to help us out of our dualistic thinking is a nondual experience. Then we begin to see things as one again.” –Haridas Chaudhuri
“Awakening is not a single event in time; it is a river endlessly flowing in this moment now.” – Arjuna Ardagh
"What’s in greatest demand today isn’t analysis, but synthesis—seeing the big picture and combining disparate pieces into an arresting new whole." – Daniel H. Pink
“While transformation results in changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the actual process of transformation does not involve changing these things directly but instead requires a change in perspective—altering one’s core assumptions about the nature of things.” – Marilyn Schlitz-Mandala, PhD
“The eye by which I see God is the same as the eye by which God sees me. My eye and God’s eye are one and the same—one in seeing, one in knowing, and one in loving.” – Meister Eckhart
“Learning emerges from discovery, not directives; reflection, not rules; possibilities, not prescriptions; diversity, not dogma; creativity and curiosity, not conformity and certainty; and meaning, not mandates.” – Stephanie Pace Marshall, PhD
“Directed faith is not a vague, hazy, wishful yearning. It is a powerful belief of expectancy that causes the universe to send us wonderful things.” – Edwene Gaines
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Meaningful Conversations 5
This is the last of a series of posts on meaningful conversations. In previous posts the benefits and components of meaningful conversations were discussed. In this post, some basic procedures are listed.
• Find common ground
• Build a Common Frame of Reference
• Deal with fears
o Rejection
o Appearing weak, vulnerable, naïve, foolish or stupid
o Losing business
• Pick someone who is different, who may disagree, who you don’t know
• Primarily, it’s about you and your growth, not changing or influencing the other; it’s about you becoming clearer, learning and expressing, not the other agreeing
• Identify and eliminate noise
• Understand the roles of Sender and Receiver in the Como Process
• Find common ground
• Build a Common Frame of Reference
• Deal with fears
o Rejection
o Appearing weak, vulnerable, naïve, foolish or stupid
o Losing business
• Pick someone who is different, who may disagree, who you don’t know
• Primarily, it’s about you and your growth, not changing or influencing the other; it’s about you becoming clearer, learning and expressing, not the other agreeing
• Identify and eliminate noise
• Understand the roles of Sender and Receiver in the Como Process
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Meaningful Conversations 4
This is the next in a series of meaningful conversations.
• Meaning is a subjective, emotional, inside job. Here again, we’ve got to be responsible for what things mean to us and realize they might mean something else to someone else
• Everyone is not like you and does not think like you, and that’s a good thing, imagine a world of people with the same strengths and weakness; that means when you have a blind spot or a weakness, you can probably find someone who isn’t blind and is strong where you’re blind and weak
• Wholeness – a more complete and accurate perception, is more likely when two or more are gathered to seek it. Individuals miss a lot; have filters – personal quirks, different cultures, experiences, tastes, appreciations – think about siblings in same families
• If you always do what you always did…. You’ll be frozen, unable to move forward. Stuck. So do it differently; get a different perspective, a different person involved
• Others see what we don’t; everybody’s not gonna go bungee jumping or wants to be a surgeon
• We can’t know everything; [dogs hear more and cats see more] but help is available. You’ve got to know you need it, then ask for it before you get it
• If you think you know, you won’t ask and you’re stuck with only what you already know, in an endless loop of always doing what you always did
o Better – more likely to grow and succeed, not to know; to keep an open mind and hold what we know lightly
• Is what you’ve labeled a ‘problem’, really a problem? Why is it in your life? Is it here to punish you, or grow you? What’s your view of life – is it a struggle in a dog-eat-dog world, or a series of opportunities in a helpful universe? Could the person giving you all this grief, really be the help you need, an angel? Angels come in all shapes and sizes, very few of them have wings
• What’s the point? To win? To avoid pain, guilt and blame? To die with the most toys? To wipe out the other guy? How are you keeping score? Consider Rotary’s Four Way pledge and to be in and come from That Place
• Meaning is a subjective, emotional, inside job. Here again, we’ve got to be responsible for what things mean to us and realize they might mean something else to someone else
• Everyone is not like you and does not think like you, and that’s a good thing, imagine a world of people with the same strengths and weakness; that means when you have a blind spot or a weakness, you can probably find someone who isn’t blind and is strong where you’re blind and weak
• Wholeness – a more complete and accurate perception, is more likely when two or more are gathered to seek it. Individuals miss a lot; have filters – personal quirks, different cultures, experiences, tastes, appreciations – think about siblings in same families
• If you always do what you always did…. You’ll be frozen, unable to move forward. Stuck. So do it differently; get a different perspective, a different person involved
• Others see what we don’t; everybody’s not gonna go bungee jumping or wants to be a surgeon
• We can’t know everything; [dogs hear more and cats see more] but help is available. You’ve got to know you need it, then ask for it before you get it
• If you think you know, you won’t ask and you’re stuck with only what you already know, in an endless loop of always doing what you always did
o Better – more likely to grow and succeed, not to know; to keep an open mind and hold what we know lightly
• Is what you’ve labeled a ‘problem’, really a problem? Why is it in your life? Is it here to punish you, or grow you? What’s your view of life – is it a struggle in a dog-eat-dog world, or a series of opportunities in a helpful universe? Could the person giving you all this grief, really be the help you need, an angel? Angels come in all shapes and sizes, very few of them have wings
• What’s the point? To win? To avoid pain, guilt and blame? To die with the most toys? To wipe out the other guy? How are you keeping score? Consider Rotary’s Four Way pledge and to be in and come from That Place
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